Boundaries

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Last week on #powerfultuesday which is an empowering quote I share on every Tuesday on instagram ( which I hope your following me on…..smile) I shared this quote you see in the picture. If they don’t respect your boundaries they don’t respect you. It got a favorable response from people with a lot of comments and likes. i think that it hit a nerve that many have been dealing with in their relationships and situations. We are filled with so much information about what boundaries are and what they are not. I want to give you my feelings and observations about the importance of them.

There are three points I made on my periscope about this subject (shameless plug I periscope every Tuesday 10:00 – 10:15 PM every Tuesday) On it I shared three power principles that I would like to share with you.

First lets define what a boundary is. Boundaries are a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. It is a limit of a subject or sphere of activity. One of the best persons I think that speaks on this is Dr. Henry Cloud and he says about boundaries “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins.”

These are the three points I made on Tuesday:

1)Communicate what your boundaries are

One of my favorite authors says that “communication kills assumption” and many times our boundaries are violated because we have not clearly communicated what they are and how we want to be treated. It makes a clear dividing line for what is and isnt acceptable in your space.

2) Don’ Be Afraid   to Walk Away

Many times we stay in situations that are toxic and dysfunctional way too long. It is challenging to deal with cutting ties especially if it means people you have had in your life for a long time. Understand boundaries are not about getting people to change but making sure that you change and are in healthy relationships that honor and respect who you are.

3) Never Feel Guilty For Setting a Boundary

Guilt can haunt you if you are not careful. Especially if you have not been setting boundaries before. It is a new practice and something you’re not use to doing. Give yourself permission to do whats best for you and your well-being. It may be uncomfortable but it will work out in the end.

 

I hope these power points help you as you journey through life.

Embracing Uncertainty

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March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This is the first day of the third month of the year. It just seems like yesterday we were saying Happy New Year (not New Years lol) And all of the possibilities and hopes that would seem to be for us in the year that we call 2018. A few years back I read a book by Susan Jeffers called Embracing Uncertainty (if you never read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway shame on you). this book is true to its title and definitely is one that needs to be looked at. we are definitely living in uncertain and unpredictable times. Just take the time to look at the news and scroll down your timeline you can tell that things are different. It’s not just that times are different we are also evolving. I am scared of anyone that has not developed matured or become more since they have grown up that is a sign of immaturity.

But even as we mature starting something new always brings a level of uncertainty. You never know what is going to be in store for you as you go forward. It means that you have to handle what comes with being in this world and that is embracing uncertainty. You never know what is going to come your way or down the pipe. One day can be great and the next you have to deal with something that you may not be prepared for. If you look at your surroundings it will keep you locked up in your apartment not going anywhere. What I realize is that it is always important to be wise and take the necessary precautions in life but to live in fear is not a good thing. I can’t guarantee you fame or fortune or that you will be healthy all the time. It is true what the sacred text states “it rains on the just as well as the unjust” Our responsibility is to embrace uncertainty. Do not allow fear to become your prison and live in a state of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It is time to embrace every moment and be thankful for the good. Embracing uncertainty does not mean denying reality, actually, it is allowing life to flow in the way and path that it needs to go. Everything in your life will not go the way that you want it to go but trust that you will be okay whatever life offers and gives to you. With layoffs looming the stock market unpredictable health scares and crises live in a reality that to trust every moment is a moment to express gratitude just to be alive. Tomorrow may bring rain or it may bring sunshine. If it brings rain bring an umbrella if it brings sunshine bring your sunglasses. Be thankful for it all and embrace uncertainty.

Something Is in the Wind

If you haven’t noticed there has been a very important but necessary trend going on, on social media. With the debut of the Black Panther movie, we are seeing a sense of pride for being black people. This trend is challenging stereotypes and also making people see the beauty not only of being black but black fashion. The creativity and style that many are coming out with is beautiful to see and is a display of our heritage and history. This is something to be proud of as well as continue to watch as time passes. While some are concerned that it may be excessive I do not see it as being that way. One of the challenges has always been the double standard when it comes to our obsession with things in light of how other people act when certain movies come around.

I have always been amazed when I see Comicon come around or other events like it at the way in which people obsessed with such movements and movies act. They dress up to display their passion and love for the movie and characters and find a tribe of people that are always equally as passionate about what they are passionate about. IT is never seen as strange weird or odd but something that can be seen as positive. I admit that I personally am a James Bond movie fanatic. Though I despise wearing tuxedo’s the smooth and militant nature of James Bond the character has always been an interest to me. At my desk at work, I even have a poster of Casino Royale which is my favorite Bond movie and in my opinion one of his best. This is a celebrated and iconic character that has lasted for many years.

We must be attentive to the imbalance at times that is given to the need for us to celebrate the characters that represent us. Even in fiction, we need to see what we can accomplish and not just portrayed in a negative light. Now to be honest I have not seen the movie yet (smh I know I know) but neither am I bothered by the attire of those going to see it. Black is beautiful and it always will be and it is no need in denying it. There is something in the wind and it’s challenging us to understand our uniqueness. Though Black Panther is a fictional movie it has strong black characters. It was very strategic that they put it out during black history month (marketing I tell you). But truthfully this needs to be seen we need to be heard. So dress up show off black creativity. Where African attire…..Where what represents us but most of all let’s be in our hearts all that we seek to show with what we wear.

Oops

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In a recent appointment with my therapist the question was posted do I struggle with perfectionism. At first I was like no I’m not a perfectionist, but then through an illustration, I came to the conclusion that I do struggle with perfectionism. Why am I saying this because in an effort to be the best at what I do, I often get caught up in the analysis of paralysis, doing more thinking than actually taking action.  I have come to realize that in life perfectionism is the killer of more dreams than can be imagined.

To be honest I had planned on doing this big blog for Valentines Day and all that stuff but the reality is that life happened. After a grueling week, I looked and saw that I had not posted for Thursday blogs. The perfectionist in me rose up and said oh because you didn’t do that you might as well just wait till next Thursday to make something to post but as I began to think about it, if I did that I would be defeating the purpose of this blog and Tlamontspeaks, in general, that is to educate, empower, and mobilize. These things do not happen in a perfect environment and on a perfect track. If I succumbed to my perfection I would be doing life a disservice and dishonoring my commitment to those who read. When I began to explore what was beneath all of it I realized that it was fear. Fear that I was not consistent or doing the right thing or just would fail. The truth of the matter is I have been given another day to live and an opportunity to start over and do it again or even better. Last night I was looking at a YouTube interview of one of my favorite authors Enitan Bereola ( if you want anything on being a gentlemen or etiquette he is the guru) He made a powerful statement that “some people see failure as a stopping point, I failed until I succeeded” That was a tweetable quote lol. And as I sat to think about it how many of us walk away from something just when we are at the turning point in life. We should see failure as an opportunity even though it is easy to get into the emotional feeling of having failed or been defeated. But the truth all of us have oops moments in our life.

I am currently reading a book by Jon Acuff called “Finish”. I just finished reading his book called “Start”. In finish he makes this point that what truly keeps us from succeeding at any goal or desire in life is the desire for it to be perfect. The desire for us to remain consistent at every turn without their being any chance of error or mistake. Once those mistakes are their we give up instead of pressing forward. Why am I saying all of this because at some point your going to hit a detour, your going to have things that come up you are going to get distracted. If you don’t believe it look at all the goals you set out for this year and you have already fallen off of that commitment. The goal is not to guilt you but for you to see that whatever your oops moment is don’t let it stop you from pressing on. It may not be blog Thursday but I can still blog I can still post and I will still be back on my grind next Thursday.

I do not know how many more oops moments I will have. What I can guarantee is that I will have much more but I hope you will be like me and strive not to see a dead end at a detour or a delay as denial. Embrace the moments in your life that make you say oops and keep it moving until you get to the end.

Young, Gifted and Black (Pt 2) The Challenge

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There is a challenge living in our current society. You have to be unconscious to not see what is going on in the world right now. To see all of the challenges that are now facing society and While I know many are downtrodden and feel as if they have been beaten down so much that it is difficult to see the light of day. A lot of us are living in an environment that is systematically attempting to annihilate who we are and what we do. So many things surround us that we do not understand what is going to come next. This is a challenge. We live in a society that is constantly berating us and trying to suppress and oppress us. It takes a lot of energy to be who we are in the world with so many misconceptions. Now, let’s realize the whole world is not our enemy but we do face somethings that are not totally fair and we must speak the truth that everybody that smiles in our face is not for us. We are being challenged.

The other side of the coin is that this is a perfect opportunity for us to not make the rumor, stereotype, or bias true. Let’s take the challenge and make it an opportunity. A lot of folks are not sure where to start or where to go but you must be able to look at what you are doing and see that it is an opportunity. There are certain misconceptions that automatically come with the color of our skin it’s a reality we all live, that I live.  Bu Please take this reality  and use it as a tool to become better

Listen none of us are perfect. I have my share of flaws and I know that there are some things that have come to even rattle this black man. But as I face every fear and every challenge I have come to know and to love that I am in the perfected place for me to see what is truly inside of me whether it’s a strength a weakness a deficit I am able to reflect to push to move on further. Let’s not take our young, gifted and black selves for granted understand what you are becoming and push to become even better at that. Yes, its a challenge but we were born out of struggle and have the power to take our struggle to the next level and achieve excellence. Let’s face the challenge together and become greater because of it.